Definition of an Orchid Addict

...   your wife has created a reward program for the "honey-do" list: for every chore you do around the house, you get a point toward a new orchid.

...  you have to call your friends to ask if you can meet at their home instead of yours because the orchids are all inside due to the weather and there's no place to sit.

...  you buy a laptop instead of a desktop PC to make more space for orchids in your home office.

...  you refer to your plants as your children.

...  I was just reading an article on farming, and when I got to the part about cattle, my brain automatically filled in "ya" and I sat there for a full 30 seconds wondering why there were cattleya in a field.

...  your house is an absolute disaster and the first thing on your kids chore list for the weekend is to help mom water the orchids.

...  walking into a nursery, any flower that is not an orchid automatically scores a zero and you consider them as freaks of nature.

...  you complain to the oxford dictionary that the words "Dendrobium, bulbophyllum, Cattleya, Laelia...." are missing from the dictionary.

...  you are convinced that there are other orchids hidden elsewhere even though you can clearly see that there is only one location in a nursery where orchids are kept.

...  you slit open the cushion you made for your husband's desk chair to get some of the polyester filling inside  just to make little cryptos' comfy nests. (Note: Hélène keeps ladybugs as a means of controling mealy bugs.)

...  all 3 men in your house know very well what is the optimal temperature for vandas to thrive and bloom and carefully watch the weather forecast. With the temperature going under 55 F, they know that the girls have to come in tonight.  (See a photo of vandas on racks in Jana's living room on a cold night.)

...  you get strange looks from the local nursery owner because you talk about your orchids like they are people.

... you spend two days writing a show tune parody about orchids with three friends.

...  your friends no longer bother asking how you are. They ask how your orchids are, instead!

...  you haven't taken a vacation of more than one night away in years so you can be home to tend to the 'chids the next day!

... you think mildew on the inside of your windows is OK 'cos you finally got the humidity right.

... hubby builds you a greenhouse in order to get you and your orchids OUT of the house!

... even though you spend all your working hours at an orchid greenhouse where you have plenty of time to enjoy them for free, you still keep buying more to bring home and shoehorn into the house.

... your boyfriend has to squeegee the humidity off the computer screen in summer and use a scraper on it in winter because the windows are open and its 40 degrees.

... you don't care that the timed lights for your babies (i.e. orchids) in your bedroom come on at 6:00 am and it's the weekend.

... a good friend drives to the Fedex depot Christmas day to pick up his Christmas gift of orchids for you.

... you buy cars based on how they can fit orchids going to shows.

... you consider divorcing your wife when she accidentally breaks a flower spike.

... you just flew in to your hometown the day before Christmas, and the first phone call from your hotel is to the local orchid nursery, not your folks.

... your single carry-on luggage contains 7 orchids while the purse has to be packed in the checked luggage.

... your hubby and kids know to call a local orchid nursery when you are missing for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon.

... you are taking a shower with a vanda.

... your Fedex delivery man has delivered so many orchids that he starts asking you for help with his!

... you get up at 3 am when a storm blows in to collect rainwater for the orchids.

... you build a chunk of Andean rain forest in your home.

... you go on vacation, and the instructions you leave for the house sitter are two pages of care for the plants and two sentences for the cats.

... you start remodeling your house to meet the needs of orchids rather than the needs of the family.

... you run your shower 3 times a day because your orchids love the humidity.

... your kitchen counters are only really clean when you are getting ready to water, repot, or trim your orchid collection.

... you calculate the "real" cost of anything by how many orchids you could buy instead.

... orchids spontaneously start jumping into your shopping cart.

... you almost burn your kitchen down and you worry more about what all the smoke did to the orchids than anything else.

... there's a stack of orchid catalogs next to every toilet in your house.

... you become angry when family members pour themselves a glass of your RO water.

... you schedule vacations to exotic places just because they have really cool orchids that you can't see anywhere else.